You sell crack?
No, it's cool. I'm only a cop on TV.
How much... right on.
Is this crack?
You know how to do it?
Yes. Yes, hello.
I'm having a medical situation.
Yeah, okay,I don't have a belly button.
I do not have a belly buttonwhere I should on my belly,
and I'm concernedbecause I don't know if that's...
Can a person livewithout a belly button?
'Cause if you think about it,you're born with one...
and if you don't have oneyou're unborn,
and it's really hazywhether you're alive or not.
I guess I'm wondering...
...am I alive?
Or what if I'm God?
I don't think I need an ambulance,
but I should probablygo to the hospital.
Yeah, I should.
Like you've never done worse!
Okay, yes, he totaled a car,
but it wasan environmentally friendly car.
Why doesn't thatget reported?
He was heartbroken, betrayed.
You say you understand,but you don't... you can't.
You're like a big, giant Vulcan.
He's coming.I'll call you later.
Hi. Margaret.I work for Lola.
Gary. I know.
We need to go out the back.
Are there reporters out front?A few.
Not Hugh Grant level,more like Robert Downey Jr.
When he broke into that family's houseand slept in the kid's bed.
I handled episodes twothrough four for Robert,
so this sort of thingis my specialty.
Okay, just so it's said,this house is flammable.
I didn't meanto burn down my house.
Yeah, and I didn't mean to eat my wayinto a ten-year shame spiral,
but I did, and it's healthierto acknowledge it.
So, this flammable house
belongs to one of Lola'sother fabulous clients,
who is currently shootinga pilot in Toronto.
An actor? Writer.
So, for the next six weeks,su casa es su casa.
I say feel free to wear his clothes.
He'll probably geta sick thrill out of it.
The gays.
He has dogs.
Yeah, they're away at summer camp.
Now, try the bed.
It's fine.
Comfortable? Sure.
Look, Gary, I know thishas been crazy and stressful.
I want you to feelsafe and comfortable.
I do. I'm a fan of yours, you know.
Your number-one fan!
But if you fuck this up,
I will smash your ankleswith a sledgehammer.
And that wouldn't be comfortablefor either one of us.
Nine dogs ran through the field.
The koala sits in the tree.
It's computer voice-recognition.
The parole system can callyou any time, day or night.
If you don't pick upwithin five rings,
the police comeand haul your ass off.
What if I'm not here?
That's why they call it"house arrest."
You stay inside your house.
He can take direction,I promise.
I'll be coming by twice a dayto check up on you.
I should bethe only person coming by...
no pals, no buddies,no heroin dealers.
I don't do heroin.
Yeah, crack is classy.
And I'm not buying you porn.
There's spray-per-viewon cable.
Great, 'cause I reallywasn't concerned
about my career,family, or future.
I just wanted to jerk off.Let me see your phone.
Come on, all my numbersare in there.
Dial ten digits at random.
Whoever answers will be betterthan the people on that phone.
You have my cell number,you have delivery menus.
You're fine, right?
Bad idea.
Be good!
Keep it.
Someone was tryingto destroy the evidence.
Someone failed.
Once we get these samplesback to the crime lab...
we'll knowwho the real killer is.
Somebody there?
Hello!
Hello?
Yes.
Nine leopardsran through the jungle.
I bought two cakesat the store.
The house is haunted.
There's a zeitgeistor some...
Poltergeist, and no.
Maybe they were rats.L.A.'s teeming with rats.
They live in the palm trees.
Maybe.
Okay, you know,I'm a licensed psychotherapist.
Really?
No, I'm a publicist.
My job is whatother people think of you,
not what you think of yourself,so pull your shit together.
I am this close to getting
Christine Walsh to doyour piece in Parade.
Parade? I fucking hate Parade.
Everybody hates Parade,
but the people that watch Crim9 Lablove their Marilyn Vos Savant.
One heartfelt act of contrition,and maybe the show writer
won't kill off your characterbetween seasons.
I swear to God,if you go bat-shit on me...
I'm not crazy.
Exactly. Exactly.
Sorry! I'm sorry.
Over here, to your left.
Right. Sorry, right.
I was practicing my putting,if you can believe that.
Not really.
Okay, maybe I wasjust looking for a way
to meet my infamous neighbor.
You see, I'm under house arrest too.
What'd you do?
I had sex with my husband.
That's awful.
Nine months later,I had Jaden.
That's her over there.
She's a cutie.
She's sleeping for another...
Seventeen minutes.She likes to keep to a schedule.
She seems really boring.
She is.
You're rich.
Shouldn't you havea nanny from Ecuador?
I'm Canadian.
Can't work in the U.S.
Plus, I want to keepthis air of moral superiority
by doing everything myself.
Very Canadian.
Thanks.
Jaden goes down againaround 2:30.
Maybe I could stop by?
I'm pretty sure I'll be here.
It's a date.
Is it?
I'm Sarah, by the way. Gary.
Yeah, I know.
"The best of all possible worlds."
Okay.
Voltaire, Candide.Are you actually reading it?
I thought I was.
Sorry I bailed.Jaden had a fever.
How boring of her.
Housewarming gift!
Demon liquor.
And the best part is I can drink it.I pumped before I came.
So did I.
It's hard to provethat I was only trying
to burn my ex-girlfriend's stuffand not the entire house.
Yeah, fire's tricky that way.
Yeah. How 'bout you?
Any history of arson?
Strangely enough...
I knew it. I could seethat little spark.
Well, it wasn't arson, probably.
When I was a little girl,our house caught on fire.
Oh, shit.
I'll never forget the lookon my father's face
as he gathered me upin his arms and raced
through the burning buildingout onto the pavement.
I stood there,shivering in my pajamas,
and watched the whole worldgo up in flames.
And when it was over,I said to myself,
"Is that all there is to a fire?"
Is that all there is?
If that's all there is, my friends
Then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze
And have a ball
If that's all there is
And then I metthe most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walksby the river.
We'd sit for hoursgazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
And then one day he went away,
and I thought I'd die, but I didn't.
And when I didn't, I said to myself,
"Is that all there is to love?"
Is that all there is
If that's all there is, my friends
Then let's keep...
I know what you're thinking.
If that's the way she feels about it,why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no.
I'm in no hurryfor that final disappointment.
I know as sure as I'mstanding here talking to you,
that whenthat final moment comes
and I'm breathing my last breath,
I'll be saying to myself...
Is that all there is
If that's all there is, my friends
Then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the boozeand have a ball
If that's all...
I need to go. What?
Sorry, sorry.
Where are my shoes?
Wait, just... Sorry.
Don't worry about it. Just...
I should go. Good-bye.
You coming back?
And if that mockingbird won't sing
Mama's gonna buy youa diamond ring
And if that cart and bull fall down
You'll still be the sweetestlittle baby in town
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
The cat says, "Meow."
The pig says, "Oink."
The cow says, "Moo."
The dog says, "Nine.
Nine, nine, nine, nine."
Hello?
Yes.
Two trains run through the forest.
Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine...
Fuck.
Jesus, you scaredthe shit out of me.
What... I don't... I'm sorry.
Oh, no, I'm...
I'm fine. I'll be fine, yeah.
Where are your parents?
No, no, no, your mom and dad.Where's your mom and dad?
I don't know what you're saying.
Look, hey, look,I don't speak that,
so just go backto wherever you came from.
You shouldn't be out here.No, no, no. Go...
It's not safe for you to be out here.You should go back, okay?
Oh, shit.
Evening, Officers.
Once again, house arrest meansyou stay inside your house.
Think of it likean electronic leash.
If you even go more than100 feet from the base station,
the cops come,and they throw your ass in jail.
If you ever try to take it off,the cops come,
and they throw your ass in jail.
If they ever detect drugsor alcohol in your system...
Cops come.Throw my ass in jail.
No, I kick your ass.
Then the cops comeand throw your ass in jail.
Do I still have to answer the phone?
I'll be doing that from now on.I'm moving into the guest room.
I don't need a babysitter.
Despite all evidenceto the contrary.
Don't worry,I'm a cool roomie.
Who do you think taughtAffleck how to gamble?
Let's never hear that again!
...ninety-seven,ninety-eight, ninety-nine.
One hundred feet.
Behold, the edge of your world.
In the world,out of the world.
In the world,out of the world...
Hey, I'm dancing!
Sure, absolutely.
So the guy's like,"Do you know fencing?"
And I say, "That's what it sayson my headshot."
Lies. Oh, always. Always.
So he says to me,"Foil or epi?"
Ep¨Ĥe! And I say I'm about equal in both...
Which is true! Exactly.
Anyway, he throws methis fucking Conan sword, right?
And then he just startsgoing after me.
I'm just swinging.
I'm just trying to stay alive,right, with my eyes closed,
and I end up accidentallycutting his ear.
You cut off his ear?
Yeah... well, no, no,just a little, right.
But I ended up getting the job.
Wait, you were inPirates of the Caribbean?
Yeah. No, no.
No, not the movie, the ride.
I was all, like, "Arr, keepboth hands inside the boat."
Don't. No finger.
Good night, fuckface.
Good night, you filthy whore.
It's incredible.
Whenever I see them,I always feel like... damn.
I was born at the wrong time.
Exactly.
Where's the warden? Groceries.
Quite the little missus.
How's Jaden? Boring.
We haven't had nearly the grand old timeyou two have been having.
You've been watching.
Well, I don't wantto meddle in your affairs.
My affairs?
Everyone needs affection.I get it.
I don't. Are you seriously jealous?
The opposite.I just want to protect her.
From what? From you.
Look at you. You date models,actresses, tennis players.
Yeah?
On a scale of one to ten,you belong with the nines.
We both knowyou won't settle for less.
What are the nines?
What?
"Look for the nines"?
It's not mine.
It's your handwriting. I didn't write it.
Okay.
Allee... allee... all come free.
What?
Nothing.
Seriously. What?
Nothing. I thought you were...
Forget it. Done. Sorry.
Hiya. Hi.
What?
I have to take this.
Who thoughtit was a good idea
to let Courtneyinto a pottery shop?
I know who you are.
Really. I know what you are.
If you come near him again...
You'll what?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sorry, what's he calling you?
Margaret.
I like that. Margaret. Classic.
Why don't you leave him alone? Alone?
He can't be left alone.He's an actor.
If no one's watching him,he doesn't really exist.
And for the record...
I'm not the one deceiving him.
He'll figure it out eventually,
and when he does, who do youthink he's going to blame?
Good night, rat face.
Good night.
Hey, neighbor.
Sorry for the psychotic episode.
Okay.
Are you okay?
You look a little Beautiful Mind-ish.
How many times shouldthe number nine come up?
Probablistically?
"Probablistically"?
You know what I mean.
One time out of ten.
How about every time?
But they only show upwhen you look for them.
Looking for them changes things.
Some of these are prices,and there's gonna be a lot of nines.
There's something wrong.
There's something wrongwith the world.
I can get you out of here,but you have to trust me.
Good morning.Everything okay?
Peachy.
Peachy's good.I like peaches.
You want coffee?
Yeah.
What do I do?
Do you trust me?
You okay?
No.
Tell me about the nines.
The nines?
The nines.
It's sort of hard to start there.
Try, and don't tell meI'm imagining it,
'cause they're showing up everywhere,and I want to know why.
Best guess?
They're your subconscioustrying to remind you who you are.
I'm a nine?
Yes.
Doesn't make much senseout of context.
You're not gonnaunderstand this yet, but...
we've known each otherfor, like, 25 years.
One day when I was 12,
you called me out of the blue
and we've been talkingever since.
Talking.
On the phone, usually.
I never met youbefore I came here.
You, Gary, never met me, no,
but you're not always...
I can understandwhy you're a little confused.
No, no.
I'm a lot confused.
Theories?
This is all a dream? No.
I'm in a coma? No.
Then I'm dead?
This is hell or a purgatoriumor something?
Okay, purgatoriumis where Romans vomited,
but no, this is as realas anything can be.
What does that mean?
Everything is what it is,
but you're notwho you think you are.
God, no, Gary, please don't.
You can't trust her.She's a nine.
You don't knowwhat you're doing.
Okay, so what happensif I cross this line?
I don't know,but it's not good.
Shit.
Previouslyon Behind the Screen...
Gavin Taylor is oneof the best TV writers out there.
Every network would killto work with him.
Good to see you!You look wonderful.
My name's Gavin Taylor.I'm a film and television writer.
Knowing is a one-hour drama
about a womanwhose husband disappears.
She believes that her daughteris the key to a dark conspiracy.
Even way back into The Fugitive,where they didn't have
the full setupand the payoff in each episode.
Knowing is notgonna be Crim9 Lab,
not the popular kind ofmystery shows that are out there
where we get all the answers.
...trying to figure out how long
is the attention spanof today's audience.
So, boil it down for me.
Give me one line that wecan really set Roger on fire with.
Basically, it's likeRosemary's Toddler.
My favorite movie.That's my favorite film.
We sold it in the room.
Just tell me Rogerliked the script.
You're shooting a pilot.
Melissa McCarthy is my firstand only choice for the lead.
...writing a showfor you. For you.
Really? Yes.
Gavin and I have beenfriends forever.
It's delightful to be workingon Knowing,
and it's, you know,not surprisingly,
a fantastic script,and it's a great cast.
Gilmore Girls has been great,
but, you know,I'm excited to go
and to have somethingthis great to go into.
I totally trust Gavin.
The only way we can affordto shoot the pilot is in Canada.
I can't believe we're shooting it...A 15-day shoot versus...
This is not an argumentI'm going to win.
It's really hard to think aboutleaving for six weeks.
Puggies.
Action.
Puggies!
Where's your brother?
It's just so weird being back.
It just doesn't feel likemy house anymore.
At this stage,
you have the script that you wroteand the film that you shot,
but you don't know howit's gonna come together.
You just know howyou want it to feel.
Understand?You have to use big girl hands.
You want to seewhere we were today?
Okay, hit play. This button.
There's you and there's Daddy.
Oh, a little movie star.
Oh, he'll be back soon.Don't you worry.
I don't know if we needthe cold open.
I think we want to getright to the story.
The story's so strong. Excuse me?
Is there any waywe could be more clear
about why Mary'sso freaked out at that moment?
Wow... I think it'spretty obvious and dramatic.
It is, it's dramatic,but, you know,
that's Roger'sbig thing this season,
is never let the audiencebe confused.
Oh, my God, that's justa huge thing to remove.
No, it's just, you know,let's see it without it.
Humor. You know, life is fullof funny little strange moments.
I'm just wondering if therecould be, like, not a belly laugh...
I invited Susan to see a rough cutbecause I trust her taste.
More importantly, I trust heras a barometer of Roger's taste.
...to give the audience a little...
Yeah, I mean...
Unfortunately, in this process,
it comes down to the decision ofone person, and that person's Roger.
I was thinkingwe could all go down
to El Cholo for dinner tonight.
How do you feel aboutsome blue corn enchiladas?
Should we ask Daddywhen he gets back?
He's not coming back.
Okay, stop.
We just need to slip a wild linefor you over the shot of Noelle.
What's the line?
"How could you."
How could you. How could you.
It sounds like kosherdrug paraphernalia.
"Hey, Schmuley!Have a hook on the Hookajew."
I know. It's justfor the test screening.
They really thinkpeople won't get it?
The dumb people might not.
I didn't think we weremaking the show for dumb people.
Yeah.
He's not coming back.
How could you?
How could you?!
How could you.
How could you...?
One more. How could you?
Cut. Perfect.
I feel so dirty. That's how I like it.
I like that one.
I want to thank you allvery much for coming.
The show is Knowing.It's a brand-new pilot.
Here, in this audience today,you are the very first people to see it,
and after it's over,I will come back here
and we'll all fill outa comment card on our thoughts.
That being said,enjoy the show.
Please take as much timeas you like.
There's no rushwith this whatsoever.
When you are finished, we're gonnabreak into two separate groups...
men and women...and then we'll discuss.
One of the most important thingsin any new show
is how you feelabout the characters.
If you like the characters,
you're more likelyto tune in next week.
Let's find out aboutthese characters.
Show of hands...how many of you liked
the character of Gabriel?
One, two, three, four, five, six.
How 'bout Mary?
One, two, three, four.
Noelle?
One, two, three, four,five, six, seven.
So, it's everybody.
Sierra?
One, two, three, four.
That's it?
Is there anything confusingin the storyline
that's not resolved for you?
Look at this guy.This guy hasn't budged.
His eyes are shut.That's helpful. Thank you.
I hate it in moviesand TV shows when they
leave the car windows downwhen they totally wouldn't.
So they can see the camera? What's the difference.
Want to see the camera?
Was this an issuefor anybody else?
One.
Any other confusions?
Yeah. Was the little girl deafor was she just mute?
Is the little girl deaf or mute...is she deaf or mute?
I'm saying what wouldyou say to him?
I'm not saying I don't know.
Come on. We're not signing to her,she's signing to us.
We're just speaking to her,and she seems to understand it.
I thought that was quite clear.
That guy's staring at me.
He can't see you.
God, he's staring at me.
I just waved,and he nodded his head.
He can't see you.Can't see us.
Susan, he's looking right at me.
You didn't raise your handto any questions. Any thoughts?
It's not real. What does that mean?
The show's not real.Why can't you see that? Jesus!
What, are you fucking blind?!
You think you'reabove this, don't you?
You are trapped herewith the rest of us, brother.
Get out. Get outl
Oblivio accebitl
Oh, my God.
You okay?
Yeah, but what was that?
Oh, my God.
I don't know.The guy was crazy, clearly, I just...
I mean, the show's a little bit twisted,so maybe it flipped something in him.
What did he say?
He said, "Oblivio accebit."
It's Latin,"oblivion approaches."
What does that mean?
Other than the worldis coming to an end?
"Oblivio" can also mean forgetting.
Forgetfulness.
But I think that'swhat I'm gonna do.
Forget it.
He was a terrible comedianand his mom ran the lmprov.
Oh, my God, Pauly Shore.
You're not helping me at all!
Designer that was killed in Miamioutside of his house.
Gianni Versace!
One word for both of them.
Brangelina.
This is a hard one,and I don't know how to do it.
You're giving...you and I should switch,
because that's... you're...
...three weeks later.I remember that.
Did you have a chanceto look at those cards yet?
From the screening?
Pardon me.
Daddy needs a drink.Help yourself then.
Hey, woman! Where's my drink?
I'm-a comin'!But I still love you most.
People will write thingson those cards
that they won't sayin a focus group.
They get more specific.
Roger says, you know,forget about the people
who score youin the twos and threes,
because they're nevergonna like your show.
Instead, look for the nines.The nines.
They're the oneswho think your show is almost
the best thingthey've ever seen.
They get your vision,they just want it to be better.
Round two is startingwithout you!
You gonna look at those cards?Absolutely.
Yeah? Yeah.
Sometimes the numberspoint things out
that you didn't want to admit to yourself,and in this case, it's Melissa.
Well, her overall scores were okay,
but if you look at the peoplewho scored the show the highest,
the one consistent dipwas Melissa.
There's some sort of subtleundertones of negativity there.
Well, Gavin, the show is testingvery well in the Midwest,
but it's not doing well in the urban areas,and it's not doing well with men.
We've got a major problem,
and I really need youto think about this with me.
It's Melissa, and it's justwhat I thought it was gonna be.
If you'd read the cards,you'd understand.
I read some of the cards,but I don't believe in that stuff.
I don't believe you can letthese armchair quarterbacks...
They're not connecting to Melissa.And I love her. She's so strong.
I am with you on the factthat she is not
your traditional leadof a network television show.
She doesn't havea ton to do in the pilot.
There's so much to set it up.
That's one of the challengesof the premise pilot.
But the network still likes the show.Roger is your biggest cheerleader.
Okay, how about above Roger?
Roger's calling the shots on this.
But we all know that Rogerconsults with the "higher powers."
That is true. They tell him what to do.
I'm wondering if they liked the show. They haven't seen it.
They're gonna watchall of the pilots on Friday.
That's what I'm telling you.
I want to have somethingto present to them...
Why are you focusingon Melissa?
She's our biggest concern.
She's also the biggest staron the show.
No, no, no.You are the biggest star.
Roger has a huge deal with you,
and he went along with casting Melissawhen it was against his instinct.
Hooray for Roger.
I don't understandwhat you want me to do.
Meet with someone.
Who? Dahlia Salem.
I know you like her.
Oh, God.Are you kidding me?
The network hasa huge holding deal with her.
Yes, and they put herin Gatins' pilot.
That's dead.I mean, it's dying.
But the network,they love Dahlia,
so if she could justjump into your show...
Just jump over to my show?
There's no such thing...there's re-shooting the pilot,
and I brought this upmonths and months ago.
You guys kept pushingother people on me,
and I kept saying Melissa,Melissa, Melissa.
You kept pushing Melissa on us,and now we have a problem.
You're very luckyin that Roger will pay for this.
Roger is willing to re-shootthis entire fucking thing.
Is this reallyabout Melissa?
This is about gettingyour show on the air, right?
I need you to focus on that.In the end, that's all that matters.
That's my job.
Hey, hi.Hi.
Well, nice to...Thank you for doing this.
Absolutely. I've been lookingforward to this, actually.
I have a question for you.Yes?
Is it "Dalia" or "Dahlia"?
Thank you for asking.It's "Dalia."
Dalia. I knew it!You did?
I contested thiswith someone earlier.
Well, good.
We have the same birthday.I looked you up on IMDb.
I wanted to see everything you...yes, we have the same birthday!
Same year, same day,everything.
Are you kidding me?I'm not kidding you.
Isn't that cool? That's insane.
November 21 st. Oh, my God.
So you're completelyand utterly crazy too!
She works more than me! That's the thing that's killing me,
because she gave upGilmore Girls to do this show.
She's a very strong character,
and I'm attractedto strong roles.
Yeah, I'm hopingto fill her out even more,
and obviously collaboratewith the person that's playing her.
I mean, I see whythe network loves her.
She's adorable,but it's just that in my head,
you know, I wrotethe role for Melissa.
She's one of my best friends,and I can only imagine it with her.
Could Dahlia do it?
Absolutely. She's terrific.
It could work, I just don't knowif I want it to work.
When I get stressed out,I play videogames.
It's my therapy.
Can't have them on my computerat home 'cause I'd never write.
I love these gamesthat you can kind of...
Iose yourself a little bit in them.
I love that it's a different worldthat's existing at the same time.
They're better than real life,
because when you get stuck,you can always hit "reset."
That's what life needs.Needs a reset button.
I have to let Melissa go.
What happensif you don't let Melissa go?
If I don't let Melissa go?
My world ends, so...
I can't let that happen.
If we're gonna replace Melissa,I want to hear it from Roger.
Roger's on a plane to London,
but I talked with him before he left,and he said yes on Dahlia.
What does that mean?
It means yes.
Yes, replace Melissa?
Roger wants your showon the air starring Dahlia,
and I just got off the phonewith her agents, and they love it,
and she loves, loves you.
What about Melissa?
You want me to call her agents? Oh, God, no.
No, I'll tell her.
As long as he needs me
I know where I must be
I am trying to getmy one-woman show together
that I'm trying to squeezein between the pilot and the series.
When you add that cry to the voice:
As long as...
I've always been kind ofobsessed with nuns.
You know, they're kind oflike God's fag-hags, so...
I went to privateCatholic schools for 12 years,
so I have a lot of... nuns.
I'm sorry.I swear, I don't usually...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I have to take this. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I guess we still mean it.
They accepted our offer.
All right, we will call you back.
Thank you. No, no, no, it's good.
I know I sound nervous.Okay, bye.
I think we just bought a house.
Pretty good.Pretty good, right?
That's good.
Right? Yeah, I'm sorry.
Go to take a phone call...we just bought a house!
Well, I think that the showthat Gavin wrote for her
could be a really big deal for her,
'cause she's been moreof a supporting character,
and now she's right in the thick.
So, it's exciting.She's really excited, a little nervous.
Then you will know
If someone needs you
You love them so
I won't...
Betray his trust
Though people say I must
I've got to stay true to...
As long as he needs me
Then he's like,"I'm straight, remember?"
Suddenly strickenwith some sort of gay panic.
"I'm your straight husband."
You can throw color swatches at me.I know. Oh, I will.
I think my house is haunted.
Well, your house is really old.
Ever since I got back,I just, I feel like there's...
I feel like there'ssomeone else there,
and then last night,I thought I heard something,
like, a woman singing.
What? Like a ghost?I guess. I don't know.
Then I saw something.I actually ran into someone.
I mean, I saw...
Was it the singing ghost?
It was a man.I think it was me.
What? Your houseis haunted by yourself?
Yeah, I don't, I mean, I'm like...
having a nervous breakdownor something.
I'm literally so focusedon this show
that I feel like I'm livinginside of the show.
I can't tell whereit ends and I begin,
and I'm havingconversations with people,
and I'm ten feet outsideof my body and looking down.
There I am, havingthis conversation with somebody,
and I'm just observing it,you know.
Just, I don't feel good.
You're just stressed, right?
The network wantsto replace you.
Oh, my God.
And I'm letting them,
because I really wantthis show on the air.
I have all these charactersinside my head,
and they wanna live,and I'm the only way...
This is the only waythat they can.
I have five seasons mapped out. Oh, five?
Well, it sucks.
Either you go awayor the show goes,
and I had to make a decision,
and that's the decisionthat I made.
And I am so sorry.
I understand.
I mean, it's not your fault, right?
I mean, it couldn't be your fault.
You are morally incapableof doing the right thing.
Right? Don't do that.
Don't get me wrong.
I think you do feel bad for me.
That's all I think you feel for me.
Okay, I am still the fat girl
you call on Friday nightswhen your date falls through.
"Hey, let's go see a movie!"
"Let's go to Fubar."
"Then when I pick upa hot piece of ass, I'll drop you,
"and that's okay...don't worry about Melissa.
I mean, you can call her tomorrowand apologize, or not."
It doesn't really matter 'cause we're notactually friends, are we, Gavin?
That's just not true. Isn't it, really?
I prefer to not do thison camera, okay?
Is this not a good idea?Please lower your voice.
I'm not gonna lower my voice.Is that embarrassing?
You can't control this one.
Your little puppetsare off their strings,
running around saying shitthat you didn't write.
Well, this is reality,and it scares the shit out of you.
Reality scares me?Does it really?
I'm gonna tell you, you wouldn'tbe here if it wasn't for me.
I gave you your first few rolesand your career as a result.
That's reality, Melissa.
Thank you for finallyplaying that fucking card,
the "I inventedMelissa McCarthy" card.
I bought a house, Gavin!
I bought a house'cause of what we talked about.
Fuck you, and don't everfucking pity me again.
Cut, please.
Please.
Upfronts is the week each year
when the networks presenttheir fall schedule to the advertisers.
It's a very important event for us,
and the weeks preceding itare pretty stressful
because the schedule is a secretright up until it's announced.
"Upfronts"is a complete oxymoron
because nobody'sremotely honest, so it's...
It's really a showfor the advertisers
to get them really jazzed upabout the new product for the fall.
"Here's our new shit. Like it?"
There's lots of upsides...you're in New York.
Any time you're in New York Cityis a good time.
So, have you heard from Susan?
No, I've not heardfrom Susan as of yet.
I left her four or five messages
telling her whatwent down with Melissa,
and that I let her go,and that I met with Dahlia...
and I've not yetheard back from her.
I feel bad aboutwhat happened with Melissa,
but it's a two-way streetand I'm a little angry, too.
We've been friends for years.
I think we'll be friends again.
We'll move on.
Ice cold water, ice cold water.
Only one dollar.
I was 12 when we got in this car.
I've not yet heard from Susan.
Got off the plane,checked messages, nothing.
I suppose that we have a...
I suppose we havea reciprocal relationship,
my show and your show.
That's the thingabout reality television, isn't it...
the worse it gets for me,the better it is for you.
It certainly inspiresa newfound sympathy
for my characters.
You know,I put them through hell.
I kill off their husbandsor throw them off cliffs.
I'm a cruel god...
all in the name of a good storyor compelling television.
What's funny is that I'ma character in your show.
I'm disposable.
Kill off the hero.No one will see it coming.
I dare you.
I think I'm just tired, you know?
I'm just tired.
It's just so surreal being here.
It's not at all how I imagined.
Hey, you!
Hey, hi!
God, Gavin.
Get in here, get in here!
You're doing your show.
And so are you.Welcome to reality television.
Did you just get in?
Just now.
This whole last 24 hourshave been surreal.
Right. I just said that. Surreal.
You're good? Yeah, great.
I wanted to call you, and...
Oh, yeah? Call anytime.Seriously, I don't sleep, so...
I just felt really weirdabout what happened.
It's just too bad.
What happened?
So I just bumpedinto Dahlia Salem,
star of my show.
She tells me thatGatins' show got picked up,
so, no, she won'tbe starring in my show,
which makes me wonderif my show even exists.
No, no, I left word for Roger,and I left word for Susan too.
It's like they dropped offthe face of the Earth.
Just call mewhen you know something.
At this moment,I can't be certain
whether Knowing will end upon the schedule at all.
As far as Gavin's concerned,the show is on the air.
You don't normally fly to New Yorkand find out at the last fucking second
that your show'sbeen pulled off the air.
Excuse me.So what is the situation right now?
I don't know. Right now,the entire schedule is in flux,
and I get these missivesfrom Roger and the "higher powers,"
but you're not really surewhat they add up to.
What's up?
They flew you out here anyway, huh?
Oh, see you... you know!No, I mean...
It would've been great if you'd extendedthe common courtesy of a call.
Gavin, this isthe television business.
It's like high school.I don't know what to tell you, man.
I'm sorry. Sorry?
But I'm kind of not.I want my show on the air,
just like you wantyour show on the air.
It was shitty of you to gobehind my back after Dahlia, okay?
That was shitty.
And you firedMelissa McCarthy without...
you didn't even have a backup.
Why would they pick upyour show without a star?
The network wanted Dahlia.They wanted Dahlia in my show.
We tested before your show.We tested through the roof.
You should see the numbers.I'll show them to you.
Really? Yeah. Who's your exec?
Susan Howard.
Susan Howard.She was there.
Ask her.
She would know.
I'm at the UTA party.
Did you hearabout Ricky's assistant?
She literally shat herself.
No, I saw it! Hey!
I'll break your fucking finger!
I'll call you back.
All right, let me explainwhy I didn't call you back.
Roger wanted to talkto you personally.
Bullshit. Bullshit.We're only picking up two dramas.
The rest is what, reality?You can go mid-season.
You can go to hell, okay?
All right.
I've been the only one heretrying to protect you...
Oh, God, don't start!Protecting me from what?
From you? You're psychotic.All I wanna know is why.
You want a motive?I do.
This isn't Crim9 Lab.Nobody got murdered.
My show did. Tell me why.
I had to get you away from her.She was holding you back.
You had to give her up.Melissa.
If she really mattered so much,
you couldn't havebetrayed her so easily.
Do you manipulate everybodyor am I special?
Are you the victim here?
The big creator can't stand upto one little d-girl?
It was your choice.Give me a break.
I didn't have a choice.It was either Dahlia or no show.
That was the only thing...oh, fuck you!
Fuck you!
Your dialogueused to be a lot sharper.
Maybe Gatinscould give it a polish.
Is that all there is?
You feel like a man?
Because I'll tell youa little secret.
You're not.
Hey, look, my...I don't wanna do this anymore.
My show is not gonna happen,
so this show's over, done, gone,good-bye, thank you very much.
I'm not gonna beyour fuckin' puppet!
Are you all right? I'm fine.
Who you talkin' to?
Oh, God.
I can understandwhy you're a little confused.
No, no.
I'm a lot confused.
Theories?
This is all a dream?
No.
I'm in a coma?
No.
Then I'm dead?
This is hell
or a purgatorium or something?
Okay, purgatorium
is where Romans vomited,
but no, this is as real
as anything can be.
What does that mean?
Everything is what it is,
but you're not who you think you are.
Okay. Then who am I?
You are...
a multi-dimensional being
of vast, almost infinite power.
You, this body you're in,
it's just one of your incarnations,
avatars, call you what you will.
Are you saying I'm God?
Technically, no.
If God is a ten,
a theoretical ultimate,
you're more of a nine.
What are you?
Humans are sevens.
Monkeys are sixes.
What are the eights?
Koalas.
They're telepathic,
plus they control the weather.
But the important thing is you.
You created this world on a whim
and decided to stick around
to see how it turned out.
You can destroy the world
with a single thought.
Don't, incidentally.
Just file that away.
But... the truth is,
you hold all the cards.
When people pray,
they don't want this thing
or that thing.
They don't want to be forgotten.
So... you understand?
I mean, I would've told you earlier,
but I didn't...
Yeah.
Okay?
I understand.
But I don't believe you.
Noelle, don't get too far ahead.
No! You had ice cream at lunch.
Evidently, frozen yogurtdoesn't count.
I'll make note.
That's blazing speedright there!
Did you hit it?
Shouldn't have to.
Honey, I think we leftthe overhead light on.
Battery's dead.At least the starter is.
How do we, uh? We call the service.
There's not much else we can do.
Just the little battery, right?The big one's probably fine.
I guess.
We can't jump itfrom one battery to another?
You cross over somehow?
Who do you thinkyou married, MacGyver?
Come on. Hold on.
Are you getting a signal?No.
You?
Yes. One bar.
Don't worry.Daddy's calling people to help us.
Minute you place a call,the bar goes away.
Keep trying.
I'll keep trying, Mary,but it's gonna keep happening.
What do you wanna do?
I don't know.
Maybe if you hold it up higher.
Okay, look, the problem isthat we're boxed in.
It's a canyon.
Where we came off the main road,it was more open and higher, too.
That's at least a mile.I can run that.
So, what, we stay here?
You okay with that?
I don't think we havemuch of a choice, so...
Yeah. Go. Okay.
Daddy's gonna geta truck to help us out.
Take care of Mommy, okay?All right.
Be right back.
Excuse me.
Hi. Do you have a cell phone?
Oh, no, I don't.There's no service up here.
Yeah, I'm finding that out.
You can usually get a signaldown at the ranger's station.
Yeah, you just followthe road down.
It's probably... I don't know.You got a car?
No, it's dead.That's why I need a...
Are you headedback to your car now?
If you could give me a rideto a gas station, wherever?
Look, I'm notsome crazy Ted Bundy guy.
I'm not gonna rapeor kill you or anything.
Which is, of course,what a Ted Bundy would say.
Look, I'm a videogame designer.
My wife is an editor,my daughter's eight.
Look, I just... they're waitingback at the car.
Just a little help before it gets dark.
I'll call somebodywhen I get back to town.
I believe you, I do, it's justyou don't know where the car is,
and the guy might not come.
We can't be up here all night, so... Sorry.
Don't be sorry, just help me out. No.
I can't.
Why won't you trust me?
Okay, but you have to be careful.
Understand? You haveto use big girl hands.
You want to seewhere we were today?
Okay, hit play. This button.
There's you and there's Daddy.
A little movie star.
He'll be back soon.Don't you worry.
Are you following me?
Since I was sureyou weren't following me.
I'm sorry, it's just...
You thought I was Ted Bundy. Kind of.
My name's Gabriel... Bundy.
Sierra.
It's weirdthat there's no cars at all.
Yeah, I'll say.
Anyway, my caris parked over there.
It's not that far,
and if you want, I couldgive you a ride to town.
That'd be great.Thank you.
Make up some karma.Please, lead the way.
Just a sec.
Okay, confession.
I kind of recognized you.
Really.
I wasn't sure,but I think I saw a picture of you
in my boyfriend'svideogame magazine.
Right? You're, like, the shit.
No, no.
You're like the Quentin Tarantinoof their world,
videogame god.
Not really, no. Fine.
You seriously recognized meoff one photo?
I thought you werekind of hot, considering.
Considering?
Within the subsetof videogame people.
I wasn't masturbatingto your picture or anything.
I guess I'm flattered.
You should be.I'm stingy with compliments.
Your boyfriendplays videogames?
Ex-boyfriend.And yes, way too many.
He used to play Evercrackback in the day,
but your game was, like,
I don't know,what's worse than crack?
Supercrack?
He was spending40 hours a week
collecting Thunderleafor whatever,
and I was his mule, hauling it around,'cause he ran out of space.
You had an account?
Part of your world,and you didn't know it.
I'm sorry.
You can make it up to me.
Shit.
Come on, come on,come on, come on.
And I am so sorry.
I understand.It's not your fault, right?
It couldn't be your fault.
You're morally incapableof doing the right thing.
I don't...Right?
So, you play a lotof characters at once?
A couple.Most people do.
But you're not most people.
You created the world.You know all the secret codes.
What, like god mode?Is that what you call it?
It's when you have all the powersand you can't be killed.
It's actually boring to play, though.
A game isn't fununless there are rules.
And you make the rules.
Yeah, I do.
Thanks.
Do you think that I'm pretty?
What?
Do you think I'm hot...
on a purely physical level?
Sure.
That's a rave.
Well, I don't knowwhy you're asking.
My ex-boyfriend the orc,used to say,
"The thing that I like about you
is you're not so hotI'm afraid I'm gonna lose you."
So where's the orc now?
He's dead.
I spiked his water bottlewith a massive quantity of GHB.
He hallucinated,went into convulsions, and died.
Remind me notto piss you off, Sarah.
Sierra!
Sorry.
What makes you thinkyou haven't pissed me off already?
How you doin', kiddo?
I was thinking we could all goto El Cholo for dinner tonight.
How do you feel aboutsome blue corn enchiladas?
Should we ask Daddywhen he gets back?
He's not coming back.
How could you?
How could you? I
How could you.
How could you...?
How could you?Cut. Perfect.
I feel so dirty.
That's how I like it.
Wait.
Something's wrong.
I feel...
Wait.
I have a wife and a daughter.They're waiting for me.
Where are they?Back at the car.
Which direction?
Face it, G, you don't knowwhere they are.
You don't know where you are.
We've been walkingin circles for an hour.
Where is your car?There is no car.
It was all a pretense,an excuse to get you on your own.
You getting dizzy?
It's just the GHB in the water.
What's happening?
I'm sorry that it hadto come to this, G.
I promise it's gonnabe over soon.
You're trying to kill me?
No, this is not a murder.It's an intervention.
Do you feel like a man?You're not.
I had to get you away from her.She was holding you back.
You had to give her up.Melissa.
Allee... allee... all come free!There's something wrong...
I can get you out of here,
but you have to trust me.
Do you feel like a man?
'Cause I'll tell youa little secret.
You're not.
Why are you doing this?
You did this to yourself.
And admitting thatis the first step.
You're a crackhead, G.
Thing is, this planetand these people,
they're your drug of choice.
It wasn't that hardto make a universe.
At first you just checked inevery once in a while...
...see how the Neanderthalswere doing,
move a coupleof continents around.
But then you gotmore into it.
You started playing a coupleof characters of your own.
Slaves, kings, messiahs.
Pretty soon you were playing 24/7.
How long have I been...
You've been gonefor 4,000 years,
not that time meansthe same for us.
You came looking for me?
That's what a girl does.
Why now?
Because you forgotwho you were.
You forgot this wasn't real.
We couldn't just storm inon a fiery chariot.
It was your universe.We had to play by your rules.
We had to show you how limitedand corrupt your little world was.
Don't get me wrong,it's a nice place.
It's cozy...
...but do you rememberwhere you came from?
Do you rememberwhere you came from?
It was warm.
And white, like a...
You can't describe itwith human words.
You can't think itwith human thoughts.
We need you to come back.
With us.
Come back with me.
You can destroy the worldwith a single thought.
Don't, incidentally.Just file that away.
The truth is you hold all the cards.
When people pray, theydon't want this thing or that thing.
They just... they don'twant to be forgotten.
You understand?
Noelle?
I would havetold you earlier, but...
Noelle?!
Maybe if I just cut back;didn't get so involved.
We both knowthat'll never work.
Next week you'll be back hereredesigning the pinecones.
You have to quit, cold turkey.
I can't.
You can,but I can't force you to leave.
You have to want it.
Noelle!
Come on!Answer Mama!
Answer me!
She's here.
I didn't forgetabout you guys.
Everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.Absolutely.
Let's go home.
Good night, Jellybean.
You need to go, don't you?
No.
I can stay.
How long, forever?
Every day you'd be here,you'd know what you were missing.
What happens if you go?
Worst case scenario?
Disintegration of everythinginto a fiery void, oblivio accebit.
The end of everything.
That's all?
Probably wouldn't happen.
I guess I'm more worriedabout the human factor.
You guys kill each other a lot.
In fairness, it's usually in your name.
Plus, we've gottenmuch more efficient at it.
I like this world.
I like my life herewith you and Noelle.
It's not real.
I'm not really your wife.
You're not really my husband.
On some level, it's all pretend.
How many versions were there?
Ninety.This is the last one.
I've destroyed billions of peoplewith a thought...
and you'd like to thinkthat it's painless.
Stop.
You don't have to explainor apologize.
Everything that isis because of you.
And if that's all there is,that's enough.
So.
Guess you don't reallyneed to pack anything.
I'm good.
You're great.
It has been a pleasure.Likewise.
I love you.
I love you, too,you big lug.
You're my favorite.
...should we measure it first?
Got flour, we have flour.
All right, so I need oil.
We need nutmeg.
Honey, do we have nutmeg?
We should.
Good. Good, good, good.
Nutmeg.Cinnamon, too.
If I had a horse,I would name her Cinnamon.
And if I had another horse...Nutmeg?
No, Flash.
What? Why Flash?
I mean, I would name her Flash
because she'd bethe fastest horse in the world.
I mean in the whole world.
In the whole world? Ever whole.
The ever whole world? That's pretty good.
That's pretty fast.
Yes, and I would be a princess.
Sweetie?
This might sound really strange,but what's my name?
Mommy.
Right. Exactly.
He's not coming back.
But it's gonna be okay.
He put all the pieces together.
It's like...The best of all possible worlds.
Honey, is it supposedto stick like this?
Better help him. Let's go.
Do you see what I'm talking about?Oh, my gosh.
...consistency.Is it maybe a little... it's too thick.
We can safely saythat's too thick?
Will you get some milk?
Get milk?See, it says milk on the recipe.
Ready?
Oh, my. Oh, no!All right.
Oh, don't mess it up.Don't mess it up.
Thank you.
Shouldn't webe using a machine?
Isn't there a machine we can...I'm the machine!
You're our machine?
All right.Come on, machine.
Okay, hold on. Let's...